Almost Over

The Fall 2008 semester is almost over, and I sure am glad to see it gone. Don’t get me wrong. It had its ups, but it also had its downs. I don’t think I’ll be missing the stress of term papers and finals once I leave for Christmas Break on the 12th.

Last night was a bad night. I almost had a panic attack. Except it wasn’t really a panic attack. It was more like an anger attack. I was having imsomnia. I laid down to sleep at 11:30 and didn’t end up falling asleep until almost 3 in the morning. It was bad. When I can’t sleep I get anxious, stressed and angry. I tore out some of my hair. I bashed my fist into my arm. Things I haven’t done in a long time. I thought about wanting to get back on antidepressants.

I also thought about how I’m never going to live a normal life if I stay the way I am now. I’m an outsider. My anxiety and my depression prevents me from ever becoming a part of the crowd. I am separate. I don’t think I will ever be able to keep a job. The anxiety of having a job is usually enough to send me into a panic attack. It’s a miracle I’ve been able to last here at school so long without any episodes.

I think I’m still depressed but in a passive way now. I’m not sure exactly how to explain what I feel better than that. The anxiety is more easily understandable. The anxiety is always bubbling on the surface, making my pulse race for no reason and my mind whirl with neurotic thoughts.

My anger scares me sometimes. I feel murderous. I feel capable of murder and that scares the hell out of me. I think I should go to the doctor and ask for anti-anxiety meds. Xanax or Valium, please.

Last night I almost took Xanax with Nyquil in a desperate attempt for sleep. Googled it and found out it wasn’t such a hot idea. Could’ve accidentally sent myself into pulmonary arrest or something.

I can’t wait for Christmas Break. Just 4 more days and 3 more restless nights that leave shadows under my eyes…

Something’s Missing

I thought I’d feel more homesick than this. It’s been over two weeks since I’ve moved in to the dorms. Granted I went back home for Labor Day weekend but still. Why don’t I miss my family and Shane more? Something’s missing. Something’s missing in me I think. I’ve developed a sort of indifference, a kind of calm detachment about things. I don’t get really sad but I don’t get excited either. I’m just here. I just exist. I just get through the day to day routine. I’m afraid what I’m going through is a sort of depression. I’ve been through a depression before. This doesn’t feel exactly like that. Not quite. Like I said I’m not said…but not happy either. I don’t know. I’m probably overanalyzing myself like usual.

For being forced to live with three other girls against my will, I’m actually doing well at living with them. They’re not that bad. It’s actually kind of cool to live with someone when otherwise you’d be all alone in a new environment. It’s like a headstart on friends or something.

Anyway I know it’s been awhile since my last post. Today I felt the urge to write again. I like this blog. I think I’ll actually keep at it. It will be cool to look back on this one day, after I’m out of college, and laugh at how awkward and silly I used to be. I’ve done it before. I used to have an old Xanga site where I posted depressing, teen angsty things while I was 14, the time I started high school. I look back on those posts and can’t believe who I was. I know I used to be that person, and I can relate to her but she also feels a little alien. I’m older now though. Every day I get older. Every day I get closer to a person who will look at this and feel strange, feel like something alien has written these words. Everything changes.

It makes me sad. Sometimes I wish things would stay the way they are. I like constancy in my life. It gives me a foothold on the world, something I can support myself with. When everything is changing you get lost and confused in the whirl of chaos. Like now with college. Except I’ve built a defense against that whirl. I’ve become apathetic. It’s not healthy. I know it can’t be but for now it’s protecting me. If I let this guard down I might crumble. I might fall apart into a million tiny puzzle pieces.

I’ll leave off for now. Maybe my next post will read a little saner.

So It Begins

Today was the first day of classes. I had Intro to Poetry and College Writing Seminar today. Poetry was fun. I can tell I will probably like it a lot. The teacher, Malcuit, is very young. He’s an adorable young nerdy professor. At first I thought he was one of the students when he entered the classroom. He seems like a very nice guy and like he really enjoys his subject.

However, the college writing seminar isn’t as fun. The teacher is a bit odd. She’s nice but she’s just different. Also, I don’t relish the idea of learning how to write college level papers. I know it’s very important and very useful, but it’s bound to be exceedingly dull. The teacher is also fond of working in groups. I don’t like having other people critique my papers right to my face. I just hate it. Good thing the class is very short or I might just go crazy.

The first few days here have been all right. It’s fun, but it’s also a challenge. I’m really looking forward to going home this weekend. I miss my family and my boyfriend Shane very much. I keep thinking of this whole college thing as something to be overcome and not something to be enjoyed. I shouldn’t think that way, but that’s how my mind is wired. I’m trying my hardest to keep an open mind and enjoy my time here, but I don’t know. I just want to get through it.

Welcome to the Madness

Hello there. Welcome to the start of a new blog. I figure since I am starting a new chapter of my life (i.e. college) I might as well begin to document this experience. I’d like to be able to look back and say ‘hey, look what I was doing with my life back then’ and remember stuff however small they might seem to me now. I look back at old Xanga entries from when I was 15, 16 years old and it shocks me. I’ve already forgotten what it was like to be me at 16. And I’m only 18 now! Well, almost 19. But that’s next month.

Anyway, be prepared for lots of boring day to day stuff. I write about my feelings sometimes, but it never comes out the way I want it too. It’s always hardest trying to write about yourself, because you will always lie. Don’t even try to deny it. You try to be honest, but for some reason it’s hard. Probably because most people can’t stand to know the truth of themselves because they will be disappointed. We are never who we like to think of ourselves as. Depressing but true. So for that reason I will not ramble too much about how depressed I am or how happy such and such makes me. Instead I will try to be as descriptive as possible. I want to paint pictures of future memories to look back upon with a smile.

That’s my goal anyway. We’ll begin tomorrow. Procrastinators unite!