I thought I’d feel more homesick than this. It’s been over two weeks since I’ve moved in to the dorms. Granted I went back home for Labor Day weekend but still. Why don’t I miss my family and Shane more? Something’s missing. Something’s missing in me I think. I’ve developed a sort of indifference, a kind of calm detachment about things. I don’t get really sad but I don’t get excited either. I’m just here. I just exist. I just get through the day to day routine. I’m afraid what I’m going through is a sort of depression. I’ve been through a depression before. This doesn’t feel exactly like that. Not quite. Like I said I’m not said…but not happy either. I don’t know. I’m probably overanalyzing myself like usual.
For being forced to live with three other girls against my will, I’m actually doing well at living with them. They’re not that bad. It’s actually kind of cool to live with someone when otherwise you’d be all alone in a new environment. It’s like a headstart on friends or something.
Anyway I know it’s been awhile since my last post. Today I felt the urge to write again. I like this blog. I think I’ll actually keep at it. It will be cool to look back on this one day, after I’m out of college, and laugh at how awkward and silly I used to be. I’ve done it before. I used to have an old Xanga site where I posted depressing, teen angsty things while I was 14, the time I started high school. I look back on those posts and can’t believe who I was. I know I used to be that person, and I can relate to her but she also feels a little alien. I’m older now though. Every day I get older. Every day I get closer to a person who will look at this and feel strange, feel like something alien has written these words. Everything changes.
It makes me sad. Sometimes I wish things would stay the way they are. I like constancy in my life. It gives me a foothold on the world, something I can support myself with. When everything is changing you get lost and confused in the whirl of chaos. Like now with college. Except I’ve built a defense against that whirl. I’ve become apathetic. It’s not healthy. I know it can’t be but for now it’s protecting me. If I let this guard down I might crumble. I might fall apart into a million tiny puzzle pieces.
I’ll leave off for now. Maybe my next post will read a little saner.
