My name is Tawnee Marie Calhoun. I was born at 2:00 PM on September 12th of the year 1989. That makes me a Virgo. Or according to the Chinese—a Snake. My mother’s name is Mary; my father was Jeffery. My parents divorced when I was 1 year old. It was probably for the best. They didn’t really get along. I grew up with my mother. For a long time my father never came around and because of that I never really got close to him even after he decided he did want something to do with me after all. In spring of 2003 he suffocated in his sleep and died. The biggest regret in my life is that I wasn’t close to him when he died. 

I went to a private Christian elementary school up till 5th grade. I loved it. We didn’t have to wear uniforms. We didn’t have to give confession or recite a dozen ’Our Father’s. It was a small school and I knew pretty much everyone. We were all friends. It was like Heaven for a kid, no pun intended. Anyway, that all changed when my mother got remarried. Soon it became either move into a brand new house or stay at your beloved school. I chose the new house. We were living in a tiny house barely big enough for the three people who occupied it. Who wouldn’t choose the former option?

So I left my favorite school behind and started 5th grade as a public school student. That’s really where my problems started. It was all right but there more kids that I could have ever imagined and no way to get to know them all. I became even more shy than I already was. I retreated into a shell that I still haven’t fully emerged from and only kept a few close friends nearby. 

Then came the horrors of middle school and the awkward nature of puberty. This period of time is black in my memory. It’s not something I will really ever look back upon with fondness. There were so many changes as the teachers and authority figures prepared us for high school. There were so many changes going on with my body. I started my period and all of a sudden I gained weight and pimples sprouted on my face like disgusting volcanoes. The first black tinges of depression showed their ugly faces.

Freshman year of high school. Things were slightly better. The depression that had slowly taken hold inside my mind had put the reins on my hunger causing my body to lose most of its fat. The blemishes were finally beginning to clear up. Still I was depressed. I was achingly shy and awkward. I had few friends. None of them were what I would call close. My grades slipped. I skipped school often, almost to the point of failing classes.

Finally during the middle of my sophomore year I couldn’t take it anymore. I snapped. I ended up in the emergency room of the hospital for suicidal tendencies and threatening to kill myself. I stayed in the psych ward for 3 days and nights. They put me on Zoloft. I left public school and became homeschooled. It was the roughest period of my life to date and I never want to go through that hell again.

The present. I am still shy. I will never be outgoing. I’ve come to terms with that. But I can talk to people even if I don’t enjoy lengthy conversations or large crowds. I still feel overwhelming self-consciousness and pitiful self-esteem. That is something I must constantly struggle with. It’s a neverending war. I finished high school through homeschooling. If you’d like to know my GPA was a 3.27 upon graduation though I have always been an honors student. But I messed up high school badly. I skipped. I slacked off. Don’t follow my example kiddies.

Now college looms before me. For the past two years I have learned by myself. Now I’m venturing back into the realm of classmates and teachers. Can I handle it? I hope so. I have no other choice, and I desperately want a college degree. I can’t let myself fuck this up. So here I stand. This is where I’ve been. Now read and see what is coming for me next.